journeywoman (journeywoman) wrote,


I can never not work because I have a deeply-ingrained need to have my own money. I don't have any childhood baggage about it, so my best guess is that it says "independence" to me. I never feel trapped or not my own person when I have my own income.

That said, I feel more and more like a freeloader in my marriage, when logically my brain says I don't need to feel that way. I paid for a big percentage of our mutual life for the first four years of marriage (and prior to that), and more than my share for the next six. I never thought about it that way or held any sort of grudge or sense of superiority over it; it just happened to be the way things were.

The shoe has been on the other foot these last two years. I was okay with it the first year of full-time dyeing because I knew it would take some time to build the business.

But this year--I feel like if I'm going to work this hard and have the business gobble up the rest of my life, I ought to be making more. On the one hand, it's manual labor with a physical cap on what I can produce and a luxury product during a recession and what the hell did I expect? On the other hand, flexibility to hang out with my kid and getting out of the soul-killing mire that was my last job was absolutely worth it. And a big chunk of our mutual retirement funds are from me, plus I have a pension, so I'll be making up for my current lack of money in about 20 years, if not sooner.

I have been trying to do more of the housework and such as an attempt to make up for my drop in financial contribution to the health of the household, but let's face it, I am a sucky housekeeper. I can ensure clean clothes and clean dishes, and a healthy dinner at home 60%-75% of the time, but the clutter ...! I absolutely suck at picking up random crap because I never have a place to put it. If something has a home, I can get it there. If I need to decide what to do with it, forget it. It stays in a pile on the table.

We'll see how the rest of the year goes. This month was my biggest online sales month ever. Went 50% (!!) over my sales target, thanks to a confluence of factors--blog mentions, a kickass (if I say so myself) ad, podcasters. I think I'm getting to a certain critical mass now where, if I can keep up my volume of listings while not hurting my show inventory, I can start seeing some amazing results.

Something has to give, though. I'm starting to think about Plan B, which is good because it will always ensure that I've got enough satisfaction with what I'm doing to stay with it, instead of being trapped in a rut.
Tags: hbknits, personal finance

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